Anger Management

Aristotle, given that he was writing nearly 2400 years ago, had a lot right in relation to anger. He said:

“For in everything it is no easy task to find the middle… e.g., to find the middle of a circle is not for everyone but for him who knows; so, too, anyone can get angry – that is easy… but to do this to the right person, to the right extent, at the right time, with the right motive, and in the right way, that is not for everyone, nor is it easy…” (Aristotle, 350 BCE).

Anger is an immensely difficult but unavoidably important feeling. My point of departure with Aristotle is that I think that managing anger well, is within the reach of everybody. It might not be easy, but mastering anger will take any person a long way in successfully being able to manage their lives more successfully. The post to follow will explore anger and look at ways of thinking about anger issues and anger management that have the potential to enhance relationships and make life feel more manageable.

What is anger?

It’s perhaps useful to start by exploring the actual experience of anger. Go back in your mind to a time that you felt angry. Perhaps you find yourself thinking about the boss who presented your hard work as their own. You may have gone back to your child, who despite this being the hundredth time that you’re raising it, seems unwilling to take their dirty dishes to the kitchen. Maybe it’s your husband who’s promised countless times to mount a shelf (and hasn’t), or your wife who constantly nags about things that seem relatively unimportant to you.

Your angry feeling in the situation you thought about, likely ranged somewhere between a barely noticeable flicker of irritation, through to an overwhelming rage at the injustice of what you were facing. Whether your experience was mild, or stark, all these experiences fall somewhere on the spectrum that is anger.

If you were attentive, you probably noticed the slight burn in your chest and warmth in your face, accompanied by your body’s preparation for a fight. Blood rushes to you face and muscles. As your anger develops, your body readies itself for confrontation.

It’s important at this stage to consider the fact that anger, and the various other emotions that we experience, are not unique to humans. Consider being confronted by an angry dog. Teeth bared. Legs and body tensed. Poised for attack. It’s plain to see that an animal in this condition is probably angry. The visible features of anger in the dog, bear some resemblance to the features of anger you might notice in a person who felt this way. This is useful, because the primitive parts of the human mind still prompt a very similar response in the form of violence or aggression. They also expect a similarly violent or aggressive retaliation from the other.

For this reason, it’s not uncommon to hear people saying that anger is “bad”, or that one should not allow themselves to become angry. It’s important to note in relation to this though, that responding to anger with ill-conceived and primitive violence or aggression (or with the no less common fearful avoidance) is what people often conflate with the emotional experience of the feeling. Choosing a physical altercation, or to be insulting or disrespectful, is unlikely to get you very far, despite the urges to do exactly this.

So, what purpose then does anger serve? Why do we experience it?

To answer these questions, we need to return to our example of the dog and consider under what circumstances the animal is likely to react aggressively or in anger. We might consider a situation where a burglar scales a wall and illegally enters a property where the dog lives. In defense of an owner, and of their territory, a dog will likely respond with aggressive barking and, given the opportunity, by jumping on to and potentially biting the intruder. Another example might be visible in the context of feeding. Where the animal is eating, and a person comes along and feigns taking away the meal. Dogs, particularly those who have come to mistrust the action as of humans in relation to their food, are likely to bare their teeth and growl aggressively as a way of warding off the intrusion.

These examples illustrate the territorial nature of anger. We feel angry in the context of situations where we’ve perceived a violation of our physical or psychological boundaries. You’re just as likely to feel angry, though possibly to different degrees, in the context of a given person standing uncomfortably close to you in the queue at the grocery store, as you are in another situation where a friend accuses you of being dishonest. The difference between these two scenarios is that one involves a violation of your personal space, while the other a violation of your sense of yourself.

Tempering excessive aggression in dealing with anger

In either situation, I think most people would agree that starting mortal combat might be mildly inappropriate and perhaps unnecessary. While the primitive parts to your mind may prompt you toward unbridled aggression, what they’re actually trying to achieve is a re-establishment of healthy and comfortable boundaries in relation to the other.

This might mean taking a step forward and away from the person who is standing too close. This serves the purpose of both physically creating more space between you, and, assuming that this person is attuned to social cues, communicating your discomfort at their proximity. Assuming they miss what to them might be a subtle communication and again assume an uncomfortably close position behind you. You might be prompted to turn to them and verbally ask that they allow you more space, because of the discomfort you’re experiencing at the closeness.

With the friend, it might be alerting them to the unfairness or hurtfulness of their statement and exploring how they had come to such a damning conclusion in relation to you and your character. I’d imagine a statement” it really hurts to hear you say that about me, how did you come to that conclusion?” or “That seems a bit unfair, where did that come from?” as ways of initiating the discussion.

These statements communicate issues on a number of different levels and potentially open a dialogue that has the promise of resolving the issues which exist in the relationship. The resolution of these issues involves finding old, or new sets of healthy boundaries or common understandings between you and said friend.

You may find yourselves exploring times when they experienced you as dishonest, where you may need to consider the possibility that perhaps you had been. Assuming you can own these instances of dishonesty and engage in the necessary repair work in the relationship, you can proceed in your relationship together knowing that your friend prefers that you are frank in your engagements with them, and that even if you’re hurting their feelings, they will ultimately trust you more for it.

It may alternatively involve an exploration of the supposed dishonesty which leads you both to realize that perhaps your friend had been too hasty or presumptuous in their conclusions about your supposed lack of truthfulness. Where, assuming that they can own their presumptuousness or impulsivity, you might be owed an apology.

However these situations resolve, it’s important to hold on to the goal of finding a happy middle. The happy middle being a situation that allows both you and the other to feel safe and satisfied in the context of your relationship with each other. Where you have a sense of what you can expect, and not from them, and what they can expect from you.

The mastery of fear in the context of anger

When we traditionally think of problems with anger, it’s often the person who visibly loses their temper that we think about. It’s not the quiet, tolerant, and easy-going person who comes to mind. This is interesting though because over the years, I’ve come across people who battle with anger in other ways. They often say that they don’t get angry, or that they aren’t sure what anger feels like.

For people like this, the challenge is not violence or being overly aggressive in their responses. Instead, it is that they are excessively passive in contexts that require confrontation. Often with such people, this passivity is a direct avoidance of addressing situations where they’ve been aggrieved.

In these situations, anger and confrontations have come to be coupled with fear. That is to say that such people have often come to see active attempts at trying to resolve anger, frustration, or situations that have left them feeling enraged, as dangerous.

They either fear themselves and their responses, scared that they will clumsily make a difficult situation worse. Or they fear the other, often that their aggressor will retaliate in a way that will equally worsen an already difficult issue.

Both of these scenarios are not to be taken lightly. For someone who has likely spent their life avoiding confrontation (and also for the person who themselves has a propensity to resort to unchecked aggression), it is immensely likely that they have been deprived, and deprived themselves of learning the necessary skills associated with engaging in confrontation in collaborative and constructive ways.

This includes but is not limited to evaluating their aggressor’s level of reasonableness and propensity for violence (whether or not the situation or person might reasonably and realistically be dangerous), appropriately evaluating the context of the boundary violation and whether it would allow for the necessary dialogue to take place, considering the options available to them which would allow the issue to be addressed, realistically and rationally determining whether the situation is worth confronting or not and how to proceed in doing so, and ultimately acting in appropriate ways that effectively address the issues at hand.

Effectively Managing Anger in relation to common or uncomplicated issues

What does appropriate and healthy management of anger look like?

1. Notice that you’re feeling or starting to feel angry before your anger has become too big to control and before it leads to aggressive or hostile behaviour or before it’s been translated in to fear that has prompted you to avoid the situation.

   
   

   If you find myself in a state where you’re enraged or excessively angry or terrified and excessively scared. Give yourself permission to temporarily leave the situation until you’ve calmed down enough to think rationally about the situation. Excessive feelings in either direction here are likely to be present where you feel an urge to say or do something hostile, or to let go of the situation, and where it is difficult to think about other less extreme options you might have regarding what to say or do. The aim is not permanent avoidance, rather to allow any extreme feelings to settle, and to return to the issue when you’ve had time to reflect on it with a sober mind.

   

2. Consider what has happened that brought about this particular instance of anger. Watch out for and be cautious of thoughts relating to the past. There can be a temptation to go back to the past to support efforts of raising the problem or make them more substantial. There can also be a temptation to bring up past issues to address them in conjunction with the current issue. This is a mistake, and it often causes unnecessary escalation of issues, and distracts attention away from the current issue. Try to stick with the present issue, especially if you have a history of difficulties with anger. Keep it simple and accept that your current angry and other feelings are enough of a reason to raise the issue, if you choose to do so.

   
   

   Consider whether you are happy to live with the prospect of the current issue happening again. People who routinely avoid confronting issues should be immensely cautious of the tendency to undervalue themselves and their wellbeing during this step. People who are prone to aggression should be cautious of their heightened sensitivity and potentially distorted outlook in relation to issues around fairness, or in relation to difficulties with distinguishing between issues that are material and those that likely aren’t.

   
   

   Consider whether you would be open to negotiating with the other. Think about what the resolution to the current issue might look like, and whether the remedy you’re looking for might be non-negotiable. There are some issues in relationships that are perfectly acceptable as non-negotiable boundaries. These may include faithfulness or fidelity from the other as an example in the context of a sexual relationship.

   
   

3. Identify who you’re going to approach to sort out the issue, and what would likely be a good strategy for raising your upset or dissatisfaction.

   
   

   Often, a good strategy for most common challenges is just to plainly and accurately describe what you’ve experienced or describe the problem to the other person. It’s often enough for most people to know what the issue is because the related feelings are likely to be easy to understand.

   
   

   People who routinely avoid confrontation, should likely be cautious at this step about providing too little detail, or of not accurately giving a good account of the issue at hand. People who are routinely quick to confrontation, should heed the same warning but should also be cautious of and avoid insulting gestures or statements.

   
   

4. If the other person involved hasn’t already suggested a way to resolve the issue, clearly and plainly describe your expectations around what would resolve the issue for you.

   
   

5. Engage the process of negotiating the outcome of the issue, if there is room to negotiate in relation to the resolution you’re looking for.

   
   

Assuming you’re being reasonable, and that you’re dealing with somebody who is also reasonable, these steps should be enough to sort out the issue, or at least to bring you both closer to some form of middle ground insofar as a way forward is concerned. If you’re struggling at any stage of the above, and if you don’t feel that you’re making progress, get the support of a licensed psychologist to help you in your personal journey of developing healthy mechanisms to deal with anger.

Conclusion

Anger is an undoubtedly difficult feeling to manage successfully. Doing so, especially for people who have not had much experience or guidance in managing it effectively, requires ongoing practice and support. If you, or somebody you know is struggling to manage anger, or other feelings, reach out and get some help.

For help from me, send me a message from the contact me section of this site. Alternatively, you can also reach me for therapy bookings on 073 005 8280, or info@tylerbarberis.co.za.

References

1. Aristotle. (350 BCE). The Nicomachean Ethics: Book II. (W. D. Ross, Trans.) Ontario: Batoche Books.